Who Ever Loved That Loved Not at First Sight?
by Christopher Marlowe
It lies not in our power to love or hate,
For will in us is overruled by fate.
When two are stripped, long ere the course begin,
We wish that one should love, the other win;
And one especially do we affect
Of two gold ingots, like in each respect:
The reason no man knows; let it suffice
What we behold is censured by our eyes.
Where both deliberate, the love is slight:
Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?
Welcome to the third and final edition of Survival Tips for Getting Plowed. A couple of warnings. I am not a licensed sex therapist, nor do I have any experience giving romantic advice, so you’re going to have to accept all responsibility for your own misadventures. However, poetry and romance have been around since Ovid wrote the first limerick; “There once was a man named McSweeney” So as one poet to another, here’s a couple of ideas for increasing your odds of romance this holiday season.
- Make An Effort. Let’s face it gentleman, this is not the 60’s anymore, free love went the way of the herpes simplex II epidemic in the 1970’s. If you are going to actually find yourself in a romantic position with your spouse, girl friend or the woman at the gym you have had your eye on since Halloween, you are going to have to do a little maintenance. Do a five point assessment at Thanksgiving. Do you need a hair cut? Do you need to trim your eyebrows and nose hairs. Nothing turns off a woman faster than a mustache that starts up your nose. Rethink that facial hair unless you are under 30 and she finds it cute. How about your teeth? When was the last time you went to the dentist. Make an appointment. What’s the state of your wardrobe? Do you have a date night worthy flattering outfit and yes, that includes a new pair of shoes? What is the state of your current cologne? If the only cologne you own was given to you by your aunt when you were 14, its time to upgrade. Go pick out something that smells like hubba-hubba. Set aside a Saturday in December and go check off the things on your list. A good workman doesn’t blame his tools.
- Don’t set yourself up for disappointment, plan a date night. Don’t make the mistake thinking that your beautiful partner is going to be in a romantic mood on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day just because Santa is widely rumored to be coming down her chimney. The reality is Christmas is exhausting. Most people have triple duty those days, gifts to buy and wrap, food to prepare, getting the house ready, getting out the door on time to church or the relatives. For couples with children and grand children, from Dec. 23 to Dec 26 is a usually a no sex zone on the calendar. Its just too busy and over booked to fit in even one more thing. So, do what all good time managers suggest if you want to be sure to get something done, communicate and get it on the calendar. I suggest that December 22 be set aside as an official national day of holiday romance. It will put you both into a good mood for the remainder of the holidays and it is far enough away from Christmas that you can take a well needed break from preparations and go have a drink or two, dress up in those duds you bought earlier in the month, put on that cologne and be confident in you’re freshly quaffed stud-li-ness. Make a dinner reservation or even better, take her to the theater, to a show she wants to see. How will your partner not be impressed? Then as the show is about to start, lean over and whisper in her ear, “You look fantastic tonight. I hope you know how much I love you.” You might might just get laid in the unisex bathroom that locks during intermission.
- Take a shot and ask for it. The great one Wayne Gretsky said, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take. This is true on the ice rink and in bed. All master sales people will tell you the most important thing in closing a deal and making a sale is asking for the business. So if you can’t remember the last time you had sex and you are still involved with the person you last had it with, plan for it when the two of you have the house to yourself and say, “Would you make love to me? I’ve missed your touch.” And then kiss and hug her right there in the kitchen. A clean kitchen where you have just done the dishes and mopped the floor. The truth is, nothing is sexier than a man who has gotten up early on a Saturday, scrubbed the toilets, taken out the garbage, done a load of laundry, thoughtfully cleaned around the house. See, I fooled you into reading this option, because if I had titled it scrub the toilets you would have skipped over it to number four, but now you’ve gone and read through it all and realized this is a guilt trip to get you to man up and put on an apron and get to work.
- Put a poem in a card. Poetry is a proven aphrodisiac. Since you have stumbled across this blog, I have to assume you have an interest in poetry. If you write poetry, write a love poem to your lover. If you don’t write poetry, google best love poems in the English language and let one of the master’s help you out. Try e. e. cummings, Keats, Shakespeare, Marlowe, and you have a wealth of material over the last 400 years to pick from. Find something short and meaningful, preferably 16 lines or less and hand write it in a card that you have picked out and slip it onto her pillow or give it to her at dinner. Pick a time that is not crazy busy. Take a shower before you give it to her and put on your new cologne.
- I Love You. When was the last time you said those three words to your partner? These three words and bottle of wine are the best panty-removers on the planet. It needs to be heartfelt. I am not advocating you try and fake your way through it. Say it because you mean it. And show her that you mean it. Being a lover is not about sex, its about showing your love in everything you do.
Good luck, I hope these tips help you get plowed. Happy Holidays.
by Ben Johnson
Come Come, my Celia, let us prove
While we may, the sports of love;
Time will not be ours forever;
He at length our good will sever.
Spend not then his gifts in vain.
Suns that set may rise again;
But if once we lose this light,
‘Tis with us perpetual night.
Why should we defer our joys?
Fame and rumor are but toys
Cannot we delude the eyes
Of a few poor household spies,
Or his easier ears beguile,
So removed by our wile?
‘Tis no sin love’s fruit to steal
But the sweet theft to reveal.
To be taken, to be seen,
These have crimes accounted been.